Statutory Warning: This is a work of art. However, bloody aftermath feared once read. Extreme caution advised.

Prelude:
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who can write poems, and those who can’t

Dedicated to Jaan Beats, Will-i-am Shiekhs Fear and Mirza Kha-le-ab…

In Memory of Bunty, Goldy, Chintoo, Muntoo, Gonchoo

MGM ‘Dizzy’ World…oops Metro Goldwyn Mayer proudly presents….
In association with Sticks and Stones

A Rotten Tomatoes & Eggs. Production

All right I won’t drag it anymore…finally, here it is…my very first poem!!!

When I first saw your face
I wondered at God’s biggest mistake!
When you opened your mouth to speak
I knew I got stuck with a freak…
Your smile filled my world with light
Do you chew Orbit White?

You like wearing purple and peach
I’d have loved to stroll with you on the beach
You were there for me when I was sad and blue
I can’t think of anything to rhyme with this but glue
You walked into my life straight from my dreams,
In your lose T shirt and ill fitting jeans.
Never ever let go of this bond please,
Can you order for me Macaroni and cheese?
I see you every where when my eyes roll
You're blocking my sight you troll!

From the moment I saw you, I was all yours
But now can you pay the bill I got after talking with you for hours?!
I never believed in angels until I saw you
But, I now know at least devils exist, yes they do!
Every single moment of my life I would miss you
You’d be the greatest fool if you thought this was true
Every little thing about you makes me go crazy
I forgot my glasses, so the screen looks hazy :P
I hear your voice ringing in my ears
That you’ll follow me everywhere, confirming the worst of my fears…

Now I want to run from you,
Which I would, once I find my lost shoe
I know, it’s high time I ended this
And let the bloggers get back to their state of bliss
But wait, there can’t be a love song without the word ‘moon’
So I’d be seeing you all soon ;)

My sincere thanks to Lyte Funky Ones, KK and Gils for your inspiration.

P.S: This work is a result of a serious complex I got after reading poems on almost every blog. So here’s my stab at it! BTW, no points for guessing who the merciless belle in the title is ;)

P.P.S: I have been asked by the likes of Shakira, Wyclef Jean And even our very own Simbu to pen songs for them.

Song On: LFO’s Summer Girls
Mood: Crazy

Labels: General, Moi

Posted by Sat at 12:00 PM
38 comments

Reporting live from Abhi and Aish’s Shaadi; the Baratis are ready and waiting, we got everyone from Show Rok Khan to Rithik who has been shaking a leg at the barat waiting to get in. The place is crawling with photo…
Switch…

Breaking news: Raul Gandhi calls senior Congress leaders morons, Sushma Svar Raj accuses Gandhi of stealing her speech ‘parchi’
We have the congress senior leader Mr. XYZ on line with us; Mr. XYZ, Raul Gandhi called you a moron. Do you have a comment Sir? ‘I have utmost respect for the Gandhi parivar. They can ask me to lick their…’
Switch…

We interrupt our regular programme for a breaking news telecast. Jayalolita renders speech in hindi while canvassing in UP. Here’s the direct report from our correspondent in UP.
Switch…

The latest at Abhi Aish wedding is that the horse that Abhi was to ride seems to be shorter than the groom. Reports are suggesting for an elephant to be roped in. Some even suggested a Giraffe given the appearance of the groom. Meanwhile the Bride and the Groom were hidden in the hurricane cellar away from the prying eyes of the media.
Switch…

Top bollywood actress Vani upset at not being invited to Abhi Aish wedding. Vani yet to comment on the iss...
Switch...

Miss India World says she was voted the worst bo….
Switch….

Rakhi Balwant gets a lip job. Our corr….
Swoooshhh….Smasssshhhh…..

Well that was my remote that went flying across the room :)
A lazy me did not bother to step out and pick up the news paper and tried to get a hang of what was happening in the world by surfing news channels. I know, my mistake. The remote got hit for nothing :D

Song On: Karunesh's Punjab
Mood: Cool

Labels: General

Posted by Sat at 9:41 AM
14 comments

Gere sure missed the bus when it came to cross cultural sensitivity; or at least in his effort to display his ‘fondness’ for bollywood ended up striking an awkward pose on the dais with Shilpa. It sure could be one of the most embarrassing moments you’ve watched on Television, a faux paux, but an unforgivable offence..hehe…the sena mafia is making morons out of us Indians. I hope the world’s not listening to all this noise these guys are making.

I’m just thinking what would have happened if Richard Gere had pulled off what Adrian Brody did in the Academy awards a few years back? ;)

P.S: Did anyone see Bipasha trying to run off from him on the stage..the only elements missing were the hysterical cries of ‘Nahi Nahi!!!’… Bet Gere must be wishing the ground opened up and swallowed him after that debacle. Embarrassing for sure…

Song on: Barso Re
Mood: Cheerful

Labels: General

Posted by Sat at 12:10 PM
15 comments

The vengeful, evil, satirical me is back :)
with the RF post again. I bet everyone would ahve forgotten what I am talking about, so take a peek here and here. As usual the italics are a little spiced up filmy deviation from what actually happened, so don't bother...Now off we go...


The next morning , back in her senses, RF realises that she lost a golden opportunity to gain AM’s confidence and there went the opportunity to control the team. She tries again but by then AM had recovered from his hangover and this time it’s revenge on his mind. He tries all that is within his limits to alienate RF from the team. Besides this he also has a good time driving the SEs into frustration, after all he used to be a good manager once, now he’s a changed man! RF decides it’s time she took over by force. She makes use of the long absences of AM from the office and decides to threaten the team members into submitting to her command. And like every other immature wannabe manager, she starts with getting a status update.

Hencri Mancini’s godfather tune plays in the back ground
‘I’ll make them an offer they cannot refuse’ says RF to herself. Forgetting that she neither had a pistol wielding Luca Brasi at command (or her own brain for that matter) nor the fear/respect of the crowd of SEs and MLs, she marches on beaming with confidence, the only thing missing was the cigar in her hand!

This is how Godmother’s attempts went.
RF: hey
ML1 (barely looking away from the monitor): hi
RF: I need your status report before cob
ML1: eh?...If I tell you, you won’t know if I’m better or worse as you don’t have the slightest idea of what I am doing!
RF: oh!
ML1: anything else?
RF: Nope!

RF: er…hello
ML2: Oh hi!...you’re in office today??!
RF: Yeah…just thought I’d drop in to say hi…see you later!
ML2: bye!

ML1: That was smooth (winks)
ML2: comes naturally!...you’d better warn ML3, else she won’t know what hit her!
ML1: right away…

Discouraged by these results, RF decides to Ping ML3 on the messenger. ML3 is forced to retaliate. The chat transcript:

RF: I need your status report now…I would be giving it over to the client today

ML3: Who said that?

RF: Why, is that a problem?

ML3: No, but we’d need to have a lot of knowledge transfer before that, and my project here is 2 weeks away from implementation. I can save that time you know.

RF: That’s alright…I can spare so much time.

ML3: Well, I am going to be implementing that project…it’s me who doesn’t have the time. Please tell me who’s demanding this?

RF: Erm…the client is

ML3: !!!...they hardly have a say in who does what. That’s strange. Anyway I’ll have a word with Mic. I’m sure he would understand.

RF aka karthika: niruthidu, ellathayum niruthidu
ML3 aka velu naikkar: edha nirutha solra? Unna manushiya madhikama thimira badhil sonnane andha ML1, avana nirutha sol, na niruthuren!
Unna indha office sweeper-a vida kevalama paathane andha ML2 avana nirutha sol na niruthuren


RF: Oh…it’s fine. If it’s too much of a problem, I shall tell Mic so myself. Never mind.

ML3: Okie…cheers!

ML2: How did it go?
ML3: Phew!...you guys had it easy…I had a long chain going until I could finally nail it down!
ML2: So you finally did it?...you stud J
ML3: *flushing* Thank you :)) I am thinking of keeping the transcript…you know like a keep sake?
ML2: Sure you should…they don’t come along so often…

ML1, ML2 high five in their cub.. *Clap!*

P.S: Thanks to Mani Ratnam, who should in turn thank Francis Ford Coppola and so I thank him too for my ‘influences’ from their works.
P.S.S: If you don't get any of this, never mind...it's just office revenge ;)

Song on: Can't hold us down
Mood: Crazy

Labels: Office, RF

Posted by Sat at 12:51 PM
7 comments

That's soon going to be my dad's car's bumper sticker, if I continue driving it for a few more days :D

My driving skills are definitely not a secret. My sister says when I am behind the wheel of a car, the whole scene morphs into Yama behind a buffalo's huge curvy horns...
So this weekend, me tried to get rid of this effect. Somehow managed to convince dad that I have to drive his car. The only 2 cars that I've driven till now are the rickety Indica and Maruti 800 from the driving school. And on Saturday the chap from the school ended the lessons and gleefully ran off with the Maruti 800. Glad that he didn't have to carry it like a heap of metal in a bag. Well, he did wonder if I was ever going to make it coz the moment I took the wheel, I stared down and asked him, now which of these 3 fellas is the clutch, I just can't remember! The man looked at me for long and said 'M'am, this is your final class, you shouldn't say such things' Seeing that he was close to tears I said 'Alright alright, that's the only trouble I got. I'll be fine from here.' Sure I was fine. I wonder if that guy or anyone else on the road would have said the same about themselves! But we returned home alive and the car was still in a condition to be driven back to the school. But there goes the only vehicle I can try all my tricks on. What would Sat do now?! :-/
And then, my dad's Wagonr caught my eye. I turned and looked at him with a wry smile. He shot back a don't-even-think-about-it and quickly ran upstairs with the keys. After a lot of struggle and further appeal to high court (read mom), my case finally won and I was granted permission to drive my dad's car; subject to condition, he'll accompany me on the drive, and this will be on a road far from civilisation, haunted by species like me who are yet to learn the ways of the wild traffic. It's a straight road on the way to Coimbatore's Iskon, stone's throw away from my house. And everyone who drives anything here just can't handle it if so much as a feather crosses their path without announcing itself! I was disappointed that I wont get a lot of action, but I decided to make the most of it. My dad drove me to this desolate dingy place, and then said, well, she's all yours now. Boy was I ever glad :)
The moment I took the wheel, my dad swore he could hear that Problem Child theme playing in his mind...and it continued to play in loops everytime I tried to scare that new bee aunty off the road, everytime I ran the car into the muddy path and took a turn, everytime I went a wee bit closer to the tree and braked, everytime I tried to turn the car into the national highway only to be stopped frantically by my dad almost throwing himself on the wheel...(aargghhh...next time i'll do it!). Finally dad decided he had had enough for a day and drove me back home. Suddenly Chief Justice momma wanted to see my driving skills and take pride. So evening we were out there again at dingy place, sans new bee aunty; but new bee girl learning a scooty, and a lot of..yeah lot of people on a walk enjoying a 'calm' evening. Well not anymore ;)
By the time I was done chasing the scooty girl and stopping in front of the evening walkers without a warning and almost running over 2 hapless souls in an attempt to avoid an oncoming lorry, my mom decided that I was at best not to be unleashed on unsuspecting drivers in this part of the world. I am to drive an old Maruti, which I can drive enough to elope already, until I understand the value of human and automobile life. Until then the shiny big wigs of our house are off limits. :-(
Next stop Bangalore, my sister's brrrand new Santro... ;)

Song on: The Fray; How to save a life
Mood: Cool

Labels: General, Moi

Posted by Sat at 9:00 AM
21 comments

I don’t know if I have ‘selective’ amnesia, I rarely get this doubt …except may be at the time when I forgot that my 7 year old cousin was sitting behind me in my bicycle and I realized a tad bit too late that the cycle was a little bit lighter than it was when I started from home. Too bad coz when I looked back I saw a poofy, furious 7 year old get up from the muddy street and run towards my house screaming on top of her voice how I had tried to run her over…yikes! And may be at the time I completely forgot my brother’s German Shepherd following me around the house and ended up locking him in the garage for a whole night. I bet I thought I was going to die when I opened the door the next morning and saw him staring back at me! Or may be when I forgot the name of a friend whom I met in my office after a long time and an overturned id card not helping me much; and my face being as confused as Mr Bean, the lady took all but a second that as usual I had forgotten her name.
But apart from that and those frequent occasions when I turn the entire room upside down searching for my glasses which were right there on my head, I never really had much trouble remembering most things in life….except numbers!
Aaargghhh, don’t get me started on them coz I might never stop. I have a major problem with numbers. I can’t remember them to save my life! Phone numbers, account numbers, card numbers, birthdays, anniversaries, bus route numbers, door numbers, pin codes, my vehicle’s number and those god awful security numbers …who the hell came up with that idea of having numerical security pass codes?!
I am one of those rare species who wanted to call home and ended up reaching a wrong number. I store my own phone number in my phone, I end up changing my mobile number once in every 2 months and I can’t remember a number after I have been through the pain of memorizing the next. I can’t remember, to be frank, what my Bangalore phone number is!
I have friends who call me on their birthdays to remind me to wish them. Else they would have to go through the terribly embarrassing ordeal a close friend and an ally had to go through; I called her on her birthday; chatted for hours and ended up hanging up without a proper reply for her repeated ‘are you sure the purpose of your call is done?’ Apparently her brother was in splits after that conversation. So my friends usually call me up with a ‘wish me before it’s too late or you’ll come back tomorrow with a bucket full of Sorries’. Well it’s a different story that I got an account of mine locked by keying in my own birth date wrong.
At times, my brain is useful enough to remember all the numbers, only it doesn’t bother about the order of their occurrence. So when I was stuck in MG road without my mobile, I had to try 5 numbers on a Re 1 phone before I could finally reach my brother in law with the last 1 rupee coin I had.
And ATM pins! How can the most important thing in your life be a 4 digit number? Hey what about people like me huh? I never really try in vain to memorize that number. I just go to the ATM and key it from practice. The most important thing here being, I should never be conscious of my action, as in duping my brain to believe that it doesn’t have to hold this number, it’s there in some other secondary storage and so it won’t be burdened. But this one day I made this horrible mistake of pausing and thinking before keying in my pin and lo…my stupid brain throws out the most precious 4 digits. All that happening a day before I had to catch a flight to London and a second before I could withdraw the rent I had to pay my land lord. I stopped short of screaming in the ATM. I rushed back to my cubicle and sat there doing things to make my brain look away from the issue on hand, just like a mother trying to cajole her kid staring at that pointy tip of an injection needle. After 4 hours and 3 visits to the ATM and a call to icici to unlock my account, I had to go out of my way to make my visit to the ATM seem routine and I managed to enter the key right. Phew!

That’s my pathos! Though I am thankful for the few thoughtful souls, like this friend of mine whose phone number’s last 5 digits is his name typed on the mobile’s keypad. Better but not good enough, as I still cant remember the first 5 digits…uh-oh!

Song on: You know my name
Mood: Sleepy

Labels: General, Moi

Posted by Sat at 10:28 AM
19 comments