Cast Away ;)
 Plagiarism is the bread and butter of most film makers, especially in India, especially when their name sounds like Sanjay Gupta, Priyadarshan, Sanjay Leela Bhansali, R.K.Selvamani (this one’s almost extinct now!), Murugadoss etc. etc. Now this quite worried the big wigs from the other side of the globe that all their originality and thought was effortlessly lifted and used in the movies here. The production houses resolved they would completely put an end to this practice by making bilingual/trilingual projects for each of their high profile movies. Now the Indian version of those movies would star the local super stars instead of the Hollywood stars for the benefit of the ‘junta’ and to avoid straight dubbed ones having dialogues that go ‘Odunga…mummy varuthu, mummy varuthu’ (I don’t think that was an allusion to an election campaign by another equally famous mummy down here). As a pilot run for this project, it was decided that some of the most famous and iconic films that came out of Hollywood be remade with the Indian stars to give the audience a taste of what was in store in future (Uggghh!).Auditions were announced and the casting team waited for the actors to audition for one historic role after another. Here is an account of how it went. The casting team began hunting for the stars to be cast in one famous role after another… The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. CT: Are you sure Mr. Rama Rajan that you look the part of the ice cool cow boy? RR: Have no doubts-nga…You go ask anyone down south and they’ll tell you what a cow boy I am! I dress like one, act like one even sing like one. And you don’t have to spend on costumes because all I need is an ara dowser and one thundu. And I don’t even need a horse, I am a cow boy after all, not a horse boy. I’ll ride a cow. What say? CT: !!! CT: Pleased to meet you MR. Rajini RK: Hi hi hi hi! CT: Would you like to audition for the role of Blondie? RK: Kanna…I don’t audition for roles already written for me! But I want a few changes to the script. I want this character having as many punch lines as possible, preferably with lots of political ambitions strewn in. Lots of style, the flipping of the cig, tricks with my gun…I want a host of comedians around me who would be my friends. The rest of the characters, pick anyone you wish as those characters will be insignificant anyway. Have K.S.Ravikumar directing the movie, A.R.Rahman for music, he’ll refuse, but threaten him. And yes, this time I definitely want Aishwarya Rai as the heroine. CT: er… Kill Bill CT: Ms. Vijay Shanty, I think you are a bit too old to play the bride! VS: Old, what old? I can give the bride a whole new look. With my ponytail (a la Vyjayanthi IPS), flying stunts et al. And let’s not make her an assassin, let’s make her an honest lady cop. And she’s fighting with this mafia boss Bill. But Bill’s men plan to kill me and end up making me paralysed. Let’s have a second hero too. I bet the likes of Ramki, Abbas, Suresh would be available. They’ll sing songs and by the end of the song I’ll be ready to kick ass again. CT: ummm…Interesting Ms.Shanty, but we were already considering one Miss. Priyanka Chopra! VS: Oh…she’s too young. She can play my younger sister…who gets raped by Bill’s son. Now see…the whole revenge angle is complete! CT(looking at each other in disbelief): We’ll get back to you Ms.Shanty! E.T CT: But Mr. Hrithik Roshan, it’s the role of a 10 year old boy! HR: Yeah…But I have played it already and I have won tons of awards for it; thanks to papa! And see, I have got Jadoo along with me. Priety Zinta is a bit too old now, so we can sign on Kareena. Dress her up in really skimpy clothes and have her pout in every frame. And we can include a dance sequence for me to do my jig! I’ll have my uncle ready with the songs, he’s already listening to all the world music CDs I bought him yesterday. But one condition, papa is directing this one as well CT: !!!!....and what about Steven Speilberg? HR: Eh….he can be executive producer! Jaws (I,II,III) CT: Mr. Bachan…we have only one role to audition for in this movie, why bring your whole family along? AB: eh?...Only one role? CT: Yes Mr. Bachan. We decided to cut short a bit on the budget as we have 3 sequels to make. And anyway it’s mostly about the Shark anyway! The movie will have one lead role, an extra (who will be killed off before the first reel ends…we’re going to find a superhot bikini clad chic for that) and of course the shark. AB: Oh, well then that solves the problem. We can have my daughter in law here playing the bikini chic …Beti pranam karo…I’ll play the lead role and my baby here will play the shark. Okay? AB jr: Daddy!!!! AB: okay beta, you play the lead role I play the shark. May be for the end credits, we can have all 3 of us doing an item number together like Kara Re. Aish: Oh….this casting manager has fainted…Abhi thoda paani leke aao! Titanic SRK: Rahul…naam to suna hi hoga CT: eh?! SRK: I am an NRI in the story. I meet the heroine in the ship. She’s betrothed to another man. I charm her and make her fall in love with me. I strike a pose with her at the deck which you can use for the initial promos. Have a few dream duets picturised in Swtizerland…it’s India, you got to do that! The villain finds out and so does the girl’s family. I convince the family, ask her ‘haath’ from them. They are confused. Villain meanwhile wants to marriage to happen ASAP seeing the confusion. But when it is time to tie the mangal sutra, ship begins to sink. And I am there….standing with the life boat. To save the girl and her family….she runs to me, leaving the villain behind. Book Rani/Kajol/Priety for the heroine. Try booking Abhishek for the villain (gotcha Big B!). This is a story written for me…don’t you see? CT: You bet Mr.Khan! The casting team leaves for LA the next day. Never to return. But not before promising SRK to send James Cameroon to produce more movies with him in the lead. P.S: I know...I took too long a break. But I didn't abscond entirely a la KK :P P.P.S: Nothing to type here....just plain habitual ;)
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